Keptquisling’s Weblog

Music speaks through the barriers of understanding. Knowing not a word of what was said the song was moving and solemn. It was a very different time when it inspired me to pursue an attempt to create something as inspired and meaningful. But a few years brought about the realization that I don’t have such gifts, and that anything I make would sound mechanical.

Giving up is not acceptance, I did not give up, I understood. The crime was so impossible that I had forgone an attempt. Even if I succeeded it wouldn’t have lasted, but is knowing that it would not last a good enough reason? Would it have been worth it had it lasted for fifty seconds and gone the next minute? It has been so many years and I long to forget. I know, I’m talking about something else entirely now.

How did I end up with so many people depending on me?

The house is so quiet without my family. When I was younger, spending the day alone would be normal, preferable, as I don’t have to waste time attending to everyone else’s needs. The silence now is unsettling. No baby crying, no people scurrying about trying to calm him down. I have lot of things to do, but somehow, I don’t feel up to it. I don’t feel like doing anything. I just want to lie down, or play a game, or watch a movie, or figure out more ways to mess up my toy cube. I don’t even feel like going to work.

A long time ago, I started questioning everything I believed in. Why our scheduled church trips never seemed quite right, why, even as a little kid, I could tell that these religious leaders, praying to their gods for help, were wrong. If they really believed their god to be omnipotent, why would they have the arrogance to tell him what to do?

Their messages were always half-baked, applicable only in the teeniest of circumstances and absolutely wrong to the rest. How could they say that their interpretations were god’s words? How can they be sure they were doing the right thing? Or are they aware, lack sincerity, and it was all just an elaborate scam to get our money tax-free? These were my thoughts at fourteen, and these are my thoughts still now.

I never found my answers in religion, and I’m sure not to start now.

I got back from school only to find that my baby fell down the stairs yesterday.

How old is your baby? Isn’t having a kid great? All of my concerns took a backseat to the welfare of my little human being when I helped bring him into the world. Everything else just suddenly seemed trivial, and that I would give up anything in the world to protect him. It’s almost an unexplainable sensation that no one who’s never had a child could ever understand.

I know I haven’t been a friend to you. I tried once, but I couldn’t even look at you straight. I can’t imagine anyone in their right minds ever wanting to leave you, so I would guess that the decision to separate from your husband was yours to make, and that you’re now waiting for something from him to make it official. I was always of the opinion that you were perfect, as pretty as you were smart, if I ever asked for a girlfriend back in high school, it would just be you. But I was going through a lot back then, and I wasn’t exactly nice.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, that if this really is your choice, don’t do it. Not that I have any right to tell you what to do, but I’d think it would be a very terrible thing for a kid to go through, and that I can’t ever imagine subjecting my baby to something similar. But I guess my opinions should be of little merit, as I am more or less just stranger to you, so just consider this just a little rant. I’m rather used to talking to myself anyway.